Saturday, August 26, 2006

Entry 2 – Shadow Play

1. List the big and small surprises that have happened to you. Were any life changing?

Can’t really think of anything that classifies as a surprise really. Getting into a rather elite school on a scholarship type arrangement when I was 14 was pretty surprising – didn’t think I would be anywhere near smart enough to get in. Did it change my life? It taught me to shoplift, taught me about drugs, taught me that 14 year old girls really are the most awful people on the planet and my school results when I left said school were the lowest at any point in my education.

Getting accepted to the AYAD program and moving overseas was more of a shock to the system rather than a surprise. Was it life changing? Yes indeed it was - in every way, shape and form.

There was a couple of month period in my life a couple of years ago where I seemed to be giving all of my closest friends the advice of: “Go on… tell her you like her! What is the worst she can say? Thanks but no? No girl who really understands you will hold it against you – even if they don’t feel the same…” Then I came to a point when I had to follow my own advice and I actually did it as well. Was it life changing? Well… He didn’t respond positively instantly and I thought… oh crap… now you’ve done it Kratzy... you’ve destroyed one of your closest relationships. It was really scary, pretty bloody complicated, really hard to work out, but over time we succeeded to find a way to make it work... So if you ever find yourself in a situation of liking someone as “more than a friend” go out on a limb… Who knows where it will end up?

2. What do you like to do when you are alone? Does being alone make you feel like something is right or wrong? Why?

- Doing random household tasks nek-id.
- Listening to my favourite music.
- Writing.

I was always – growing up – terrified about being alone. This continued right up to my late 20’s. I had never been truly alone. I came from a large family where someone was always around. I have always had ample friends around me. Being alone honestly scared me. But not just being alone in the physical sense. I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone emotionally – to the point where I stayed in a toxic relationship for about 5 years too long just because I was scared of the thought of being single.

Now, after experiencing a period of my life where I was alone in every sense of the word, I embrace the time I spend on my own. I love having time to myself to think, to breathe and to explore the different aspects of my personality, my wants, my desires. It helps me understand what I really want and make sense of everything that is going on around me.

Never again will I allow myself to stagnate just because I’m afraid of the “what if”. There is too much out there to experience to let something like that hold you back.

3. Today I...

Went bridal dress shopping with Jos. It is amazing how much money is spent on wedding dresses – it is something that I cannot get my head around. In every shop women were there in big numbers, each spending in the vicinity of $1000-2000 each on one dress. But we found some great dresses for not too much over Jos’ budget. There were a couple of really cute cocktail dresses that we could use as a bridesmaid dress for me – again… so expensive for what they are. I can’t wait for the wedding.

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