Entry 4 – Eavesdrop

1. Dip into your memory bank and write about the sounds of familiar voices. What words were spoken at your front door or in the bedroom? Arguments or tears? Be as specific as possible.

• Grandma Gash – “chip butty” or “bacon butty” or “jam butty” anyone? I remember her ever so slight Yorkshire accent that had faded over the years. Grandma lived with us from as early as I remember until we moved to Melbourne when I was 12. She died when I was 20. It was almost always a kind ear and a hug when you wanted one.
• My sister Col. We shared a room when we were kids. I remember talking in the dark about all different things. Always comforting when I am feeling like crap. Calming when I am feeling angry. Familiar when I need to hear from someone I love. I know this sounds really weird - and not strictly voice related - but my sister Col has a specific “smell” about her – it is her smell. Know how people all have their own “smell” about them? Not in a flatulent or gross way, but in a way that reminds you of them. I remember times when I was really little – about 7 or 8 - and Col was sleeping over at a friend’s house or away at something I would grab her pillow and sleep with it because it had her smell on it – it was comforting.
• There was a period in my life (when I was about 7-10 years old) that was fairly volatile in a lot of ways. I now hate any raised voices (directed at me or not), yelling or explosive anger. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable and makes me want to hide…

2. Think about the times you were truly heard. Who truly listened? How did it feel?

It is difficult to pick one specific thing really. The times I am thinking about were when I was 16 I undertook a program called “Insight”. During this week long program I honestly felt, for the first time, what it was like to have an unbiased ear. Throughout my university life I had two people who acted as a mentor for me. Alison and Helen both listened to where I wanted to go in life and provided an endless stream of advice along the way. They helped shape who I am now.

When I was 27 I paid someone to listen to me and work with me in the form of my life coach - Ruth. It is a strange process to go through, but for me personally it was a turning point. Someone who, for a couple of hours each week, listened to me and worked with me to fulfil a series of goals. How did it feel? Well it completely changed my life in every single way possible. I started to get my life on track, found a new pocket of enthusiasm for life and did things I would not have thought possible. It was truly an amazing experience and worth every single penny I spent.

3. Today I…

Worked, worked and worked some more. Heading to the gym after work for a trampoline class. I’ve put on a bit of weight over the past 3 weeks due to illness and general inactivity – got to get on top of it again… Feeling bloated, blaahhh and need to shake my booty a bit.

Expanded post.

Entry 3 – Soft Eyes

Date: 27 August 2006

1. What would you do if you had more free time?

I would probably read more and cook more. I love baking so I would cook up a cookie and muffin storm. I would also love to get my white belt in NIA so that would be cool to do if I had more spare time. If I had spare time I would also love to so some post graduate study in adult education or project management. Spending time just walking with my camera capturing life’s comings and goings would be great as well.

2. What important activities, chores, trips, or creations have you been putting on hold? Do you think you'll ever get around to doing these things? Score 1 (not likely to happen) to 10 (likely to happen)

· Getting a vegetable patch started (7).
· Painting the interior doors of my house (10 – but when I have no idea!).
· Establishing a photo wall in our living room (5).
· Getting my shite organised and moved out of storage (3 – no time soon at least!).

3. List the wild or forbidden activities that call to you - from swimming naked to jumping out of airplanes, to eating all the chocolate you crave...

I am a total scaredy cat when it comes to “adventure” – most things like caving or scuba diving make me want to vomit. The things that rate on my “want to do list” are:
· Travel to Tibet and Southern China.
· Having a child.
· Sea kayaking.
· Sailing – if only I didn’t get sea sick!
· Making myself sick on good Khmer desserts.

4. Today I…

· Slept in late,
· Baked an apple tea cake using my Dad’s recipe
· Read a pile of back issues of Believer magazine
· Read my cook books from cover to cover to be inspired to cook something awesome for dinner but ended up with boring old roast chicken and vegetables
· Had a long afternoon nap on the couch

Expanded post.

Mark's 30th birthday party photos.

I've just added a few new pictures to my Flickr account from Mark's birthday party last month. The pictures do not even hint at the hell that followed in the form of a VERY messy hangover for us both... Enjoy...

Flickr account

Expanded post.

Entry 2 – Shadow Play

1. List the big and small surprises that have happened to you. Were any life changing?

Can’t really think of anything that classifies as a surprise really. Getting into a rather elite school on a scholarship type arrangement when I was 14 was pretty surprising – didn’t think I would be anywhere near smart enough to get in. Did it change my life? It taught me to shoplift, taught me about drugs, taught me that 14 year old girls really are the most awful people on the planet and my school results when I left said school were the lowest at any point in my education.

Getting accepted to the AYAD program and moving overseas was more of a shock to the system rather than a surprise. Was it life changing? Yes indeed it was - in every way, shape and form.

There was a couple of month period in my life a couple of years ago where I seemed to be giving all of my closest friends the advice of: “Go on… tell her you like her! What is the worst she can say? Thanks but no? No girl who really understands you will hold it against you – even if they don’t feel the same…” Then I came to a point when I had to follow my own advice and I actually did it as well. Was it life changing? Well… He didn’t respond positively instantly and I thought… oh crap… now you’ve done it Kratzy... you’ve destroyed one of your closest relationships. It was really scary, pretty bloody complicated, really hard to work out, but over time we succeeded to find a way to make it work... So if you ever find yourself in a situation of liking someone as “more than a friend” go out on a limb… Who knows where it will end up?

2. What do you like to do when you are alone? Does being alone make you feel like something is right or wrong? Why?

- Doing random household tasks nek-id.
- Listening to my favourite music.
- Writing.

I was always – growing up – terrified about being alone. This continued right up to my late 20’s. I had never been truly alone. I came from a large family where someone was always around. I have always had ample friends around me. Being alone honestly scared me. But not just being alone in the physical sense. I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone emotionally – to the point where I stayed in a toxic relationship for about 5 years too long just because I was scared of the thought of being single.

Now, after experiencing a period of my life where I was alone in every sense of the word, I embrace the time I spend on my own. I love having time to myself to think, to breathe and to explore the different aspects of my personality, my wants, my desires. It helps me understand what I really want and make sense of everything that is going on around me.

Never again will I allow myself to stagnate just because I’m afraid of the “what if”. There is too much out there to experience to let something like that hold you back.

3. Today I...

Went bridal dress shopping with Jos. It is amazing how much money is spent on wedding dresses – it is something that I cannot get my head around. In every shop women were there in big numbers, each spending in the vicinity of $1000-2000 each on one dress. But we found some great dresses for not too much over Jos’ budget. There were a couple of really cute cocktail dresses that we could use as a bridesmaid dress for me – again… so expensive for what they are. I can’t wait for the wedding.

Expanded post.

And so the journal challenge begins...

So someone I know is doing this exercise where over 40 journal entries you have to address a different aspect of your life. Each day is given a title allocated by the challenge guidelines... Today is the "starting point".
___________________________

Starting point
Date: 25 August 2006

1. Set a goal. Decide what you would like to see change or improve in your life in the next 40 days. Write it down and then let it go.

I want to start a vegetable patch. No opportune timing given the incredibly severe drought we are currently experiencing, but I will start small and see where it takes me. I want to have a patch of dirt or a space I can get out into now the sun is shining and the days are warm. The first day of spring is only 5 days away so I feel it is a perfect time to put down some roots so to speak.

2. Write a list of your fears and anxieties (worst case scenarios) that might come up over the next 40 days. Include all obstacles you anticipate that might bring you down or stand in your way.

Over the next 40 days my current position is being reviewed and I have a feeling they (the powers that rule my working life – my horrible board members!) are going to change the focus of my job. I have a new co-worker starting next week, a week long trip to central Queensland and a trip to western Queensland to plan. So much going on and the last thing I need is a board member changing my path or hindering the ground work I have spent so much time putting in place over the past 12 months.

3. List positive inklings (good feelings) you have about what you are doing.

I love working with rural industries and I love travelling all over the state. My job is my dream job – I love it about 80% of the time and like it about 15% of the time and wish I was somewhere else entirely about 5% of the time. I think I am happy with those stats!

Over the next 40 days I also have to look forward to - my one year anniversary with Mark, the return of one of Mark’s best friends to Brisbane after many years living overseas and I have a very special little girl's 8th birthday party sleep over to attend.

4. Today I ...

Travelled from Stanthorpe (about 300km south west of Brisbane) to Brisbane after 2 days industry consultation. Dianne and I had loooonnng girlie chats the entire way about careers, family and finding a balance. It was awesome. She made me inspired to get into my vegetable patch that I have been planning for ages. We also had a long discussion about friendships – those that are fleeting and those that endure through the years.

Expanded post.

Sleep... The girl needs sleep...

So here I sit after a trip to Stanthorpe in southern Queensland for work nursing the killer of all illness collections. To date - over the past month - I have accumulated:

1. A tummy problem that is a hangover from living in Cambodia.
2. A throat infection
3. Which led to bronchitis
4. Which led to an ear infection
5. Today the hay fever started along with north west winds...

Now come on... God can you see it in your heart of hearts to at least let me get over an illness before blessing me with another? Oh... and one night where I don't wake up drowning in my own mucus would be oh so sweet of you as well. I am sure Mark would appreciate a whole night where his girlfriend isn't snoring, grunting or making other wonderful mucus inspired sounds in her sleep.

Expanded post.

A new blog... A new chapter...

I've decided that since I have been back home for a year I need to start a new chapter. This is going to be it.

Who knows what will come from this or what somewhat mundane events will be discussed... but come with me on my little journey...

Expanded post.